Big Brother Buzz Interview

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'twas a time at the dawn of rock 'n' roll when one king buzzo ruled the wastelands, presiding over serf and lork alike. one day, into the dominion he overseeth came a'riding sir crover the fair and another knight: sir Kevin of cows. beseeching his majesty's fine ear, these wandering knights and sometimes minstrels offered, as tribute, the fine gift of rythm to compliment king buzzo's ethereal lute playing. thusly, the melvins were birthed, and the eunuchs danced, and merrily the fauns of the forest and nymphs of the river slapped their cloven hooves and fishy tails together, thanking the heavens for such an otherworldly miracle. and in this year of the lord 1999, the melvins grant the universe a bounty of fruit from their tree: a trilogy of records on ipecac and another fine peach on man's ruin.

Big Brother: okay, you're sitting in a diner and they have a little jukebox at your table. you have one quarter, and all they have on there in bathory and venom. whats it gonna be?

King Buzzo: I'd play venom. i always thought bathory was a rip-off of venom. venom were the first ones-corrects me if i'm wrong-to be blatantly satanic trash. after them, that kind of music stopped, because then everything sounded like bad versions of bathory. i never listen to that stuff, but i do listen to venom. they're funny. all that stuff, the Norwegian black metal stuff-

BB: did you read lords of chaos?

KB: i made it halfway through. i thought those guys were a bunch of candy asses, that varg guy sitting in prison saying, "oh, i am so mad, they took away my computer." let's put him in prison in Arkansas with his long hair and his little, girly mouth. imprisoned death metaller with a fucking computer... what he needs is about ten brothers to show him what's what. that stuff is bullshit, mildly amusing. i saw a couple of those bands in europe, up in the northern part, and they were totally boring and totally bad. at this point, bands doing black metal are about as stupid as bands playing with gbh haircuts. but i really like slayer a lot, and sepultura, entombed and brutal truth.

BB: what about older metal?

KB: i don't listen to a lot of it. i like judas priest; i can listen to unleashed in the east. i never got rid of those albums, even during my punk-rock days. i hate hippies. i fucking hate hippies. there is nothing i hate worse than hippies.

BB: ever been in trouble with the law?

KB: no, i don't break the law. you'd be surprised how few police hassles you'll have when you are not breaking the law. I'm Basically a law-abiding citizen. some people might be offended by the way i look though.

BB: anyone ever tell you you look like the guy from the cure?

KB: yeah, i actually get mistaken for him a lot.

BB: how the hell do you keep your hair up like that?

KB: i just let i do what it wants.

BB: so what's up with all these new melvins albums coming out?

KB: well, it's been two years since we've put out a record. we do a lot of different kinds of things, so we decided to spread it out over three different albums.

BB: the first one is the heavy one, right?

KB: heavy is as heavy does. the second album is the wimpy one-well, we compared to the first. third one is going to be the experimental one, or as dale calls it, the "unlistenable" one.

BB: you mean like the album prick you did?

KB: no, nothing like that. and if people have a problem with that album, then they should go listen to green days entire catalog or limp bizkit. limp bizkit are one of the dumbest bands I've ever seen. we only did ozzfest because tool wanted us to. ozzfest are too fucking stupid to have anything to do with us. a bunch of hip-hop-oriented garbage.

BB: Christ, they put motorhead on the side stage.

KB: see, you're assuming that the public knows who motorhead is, all those little 15-year old kids. they like bands like limp bizkit. you get a crowd in the 16.000 capacity: the intelligence level goes down to nothing: a bunch of of stupid morons who know nothing about music, who blindly go and listen to whatever is on mtv. and for some reason, and i cannot comprehend this, they like ozzy.

BB: did you ever like ozzy?

KB: i never listened to his solo albums. i always thought they were kinda stupid. i mean, who fucking cares? id rather go to the movies any day than sit through that limp, sorry shit. is anyone in the world ever going to show me some worth for that worthless drug addict? ozzy is a buck-toothed Mummy. it's horrible; his brain is completely ruined, yet they're propping him up every night with two teleprompters that have six-inch letters of "generals gathered in their masses." fuck you;i mean fuck you! forty Bucks to see that fucking garbage. ozzfest is the most ass-kicking garbage you will ever see. some of the most worthless turds in the world run that.

BB: you guys always get compared to sabbath for some reason-i have no idea why. then bands like Nashville pussy get compared to lynryrd skynryrd.

KB: it's a good Thing they have two chicks in that band: one who blows fire, because they need some kind of shtick to pull away from the fact that their band sucks. i don't need to hear some 50th generation of bad ac/dc. dale met those guys once. he said the bass player was a total cunt. I'd like to say this to her: "listen 'dude', you're lucky you don't have a penis, because no one would give a fuck about you. good luck on mercury records." but having said that, the only reason I'm pissed off is because dale's one of the nicest guys in the world. if they're gonna pull that kind of swaggering bullshit, then fuck them.

BB: reviewers just don't get you guys.

KB: well, half of them-just look at their records collections, and you'll see why. "oh, you like the new metallica album..." so of course they aren't gonna like us. bands like korn and limp bizkit-crybaby, dat-rape bands. I'll say the same thing about them as i do about eddie vedder:at this point, I'd like to think they could afford a therapist.

BB: what other big, crybaby bands have you toured with?

KB: nine inch nails. i thought it would be funny to tour with the stupid, synth-pop band, but when i got there, they weren't bad. live, it was pretty crazy and kinda funny. the Dallas crowd was pretty nasty to us. after were done, Trent ran out and said they wouldn't play if anyone threw anything else, and the audience just died. what a bunch of pussies. we just played this place with tool-went out played one song, said good night, and i jumped in the audience, grabbed some kid who had been flipping me off and strangled till he was almost unconscious then ran out. it was great. that kid shit his pants when i jumped down there. people try all that shit when you're up there, but they never say a word when you're in the parking lot. i'd love nothing more than to knock some 15-year-old kid's dick in the dirt. go ahead and flipping me off there, jack, i'm not afraid of jail.

BB: unless you're in Arkansas. hell, if you're in Norway, maybe it would be fun.

KB: yeah, me and varg in jail, talking about dungeons and dragons.

BB: are you just gonna keep making music albums till you are dead?

KB: sure, I'm healthy and vibrant, and i think we're doing good Music. so i don't see why not. we've never had any hits, and we're not the ramones.

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